Broken and Beautiful

I debated today whether or not I should post this on my blog. I have decided to go ahead, I want you to join me in prayer on this matter. I am not writing this for pity, or to be looked down on. I am not writing this to say anything bad about anyone. I am writing this so that others will have an understanding and be supportive as I take this challenge:

Alot of you know that because of Justus's life events he now has an attachment disorder. For anyone who would like more information on this here is a site that will tell you a little more about it: http://www.aatcofiowa.com/Home.htm.
Things have been difficult with him and those who are around at times see my frustration. As you look over the site I have just given you, you will get an idea of what my days could be like, without going into all the details. Because of all this conflict I have had a difficult time loving Justus the way I feel I should. I will say there have been days, even the occasional good days with him that I have been angry and more harsh with him than I should be. It is taking a lot of guts to admit this to all of you. The reason I am is because I know that those of you who read this blog, share this with me, an undesirable urge to please God. I want to please God in all areas of my life, including in our home, loving ALL of my children the way a mother should. I have started today the Love Dare, (from the movie Fireproof) I am not doing this for my husband I am doing it for my son. I believe that God will fill me with a love for him that he deserves. As stated in my last blog, about the desire of my heart, this is one of the desires i have. And I believe that God will help me complete this dare and rise above this challenge. The last few days as I have been digging into God's word, I have realized that some of my self esteem issues I have had lately with feeling that others are upset with me, or no longer like me, is coming from my own feelings and how I feel about myself. It is not that others are mad at me, it is that I am disappointed in myself. So now in my brokenness, as I have fallen short, I realize what Mark Schultz's song Broken and Beautiful is all about, 'Cause there's nothing more beautiful to God than when His sons and daughters come, broken'. We all sin, and how beautiful is it to our Heavenly Father, when we realize that we have fallen, and we take our brokenness to Him. 'Come as we are and surrender our hearts, worshipping the God who can bring him back to life again'. Knowing he is going to bring me back to life again as well, a life full of happiness, faith, hope and love.
With all that said, during the writing of this blog, I received an email from Justus's teacher stating that he had a not so good day at school yesterday as he refused to listen to her. My challenge today is,'to say nothing negative, if the temptation arises, choose to say nothing all.' Already my emotion of anger is knocking at the door, I also read today that it is a choice to control my emotions, and praying that God will give me strength to do so. Another verse from the Bible I will be quoting often is James 1:20, (James 1:19-20 is the first verse in the Bible I ever remember memorizing on my own will as a teenager) and now here I am as an adult, again clinging to what that verse says. 'For mans anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires.'
So I am asking that you remember us in your prayers the next couple of months, as I try desperatly to fulfil God's desires for my life, to please Him, completing this dare, choosing to be patient, and learn to love the cute little red head.